I am a pretty open person and happy to talk about most things in my life – relationships, mental health and so on. But when I imagined writing this post, as I have been intending to for a while, I really wanted to have all the answers. But, because I don’t have the answers, I have built up a bit of a wall. I know that talking about it might make me feel better, but it’s hard to get my feelings out. I know that talking about it might make me feel better, but it’s hard to get my feelings out. So, I’m making myself write it down – not for anyone in particular, just for me.
So here is the thing: it’s nearly a year since I first felt unwell and I still have no diagnosis. Honestly, it’s getting me really down. I feel like I’m forever waiting, the year is passing so fast and I’m still no further forward. I feel like my life is on hold. Most days, I feel sick, tired and have all sorts of pain in my abdomen.
I wanted to be able to tell you why I’ve been absent and have a legitimate reason (maybe I feel like I need to justify it, but I know I don’t!). But I can’t keep pretending everything is ok and normal. Everything still applies from my Time To Rest post back in January. I have been back in hospital since then! I still need to rest and look after myself, but that also means I feel like I’m missing out on life. Usually, I would say yes to any opportunity, but I can’t right now. I’m just stuck.
I am very thankful to have finally found a thoughtful doctor who is keen to find out what is going on. Despite this, it’s still a waiting game between tests and appointments. I still have this sinking feeling that this will be it now, this is how I feel and how my body behaves and I just have to live with it. I’m losing hope, but still hanging on.
It’s very lonely, but others must have felt this way. I know other people have waited years for a diagnosis of their illnesses. If you have been through this, or are going through this now, please comment below!
I hope to be able to give you the life update I wanted to by the end of the year. In the meantime I will endeavour to keep posting fortnightly at the very least; you may have to bare with me! I will try my hardest to update you about upcoming blog posts and perhaps my life a bit more consistently on my Instagram.